The Power of Co-Regulation Parenting.

As a counsellor, I understand the theory and know the importance of co-regulation – or how our kids ‘borrow’ our calm before they can fully regulate their own emotions. But as a parent myself, I’ve realized that understanding the concept is one thing—living it in the heat of the moment is another.

With a teen and a tween in my house – one of whom is neurodiverse - I know that emotions can shift in an instant. One minute we’re having fun, the next there’s a slammed door, an eye roll, or a snippy comment. I openly admit that my instinct isn’t always to respond with calm—I can get frustrated or impatient, and sometimes I respond with my own (unhelpful) comment and match their energy with my own. But I’m learning, again and again, when I do manage to pause, take a breath, and meet their dysregulation with steadiness, that this shift can change everything.

When my tween is spiraling over something that seems small to me but huge to them, my first job isn’t to fix it or reason it away (something my fifteen-year-old has called me on more times than I care to admit) - my role is to be a safe presence. Instead of “It’s not a big deal,” or “maybe try doing … next time,” I’m practicing, “I see you’re upset, I’m sorry that happened. I’m here.” Sometimes, I get it right. Other times, I backpedal and try again.

The truth is, this is hard. I’m a natural fixer—I don’t want to see my kids struggle and I still want to protect them from the world. And when my teen withdraws or pushes back, I have to work hard to not take it personally, to remind myself that their nervous system is still developing and that my steady presence—whether through words, a hug, an acknowledgment, or just sitting nearby—helps more than any lecture or raised voice ever could.

When I lose my patience, sometimes I take a deep breath, only to get pulled right back into the frustration. Other times I have to give myself some space before I can reconnect with them. But the beauty of co-regulation is that it’s never about perfection—it’s about showing up, repairing when needed, offering ourselves compassion for the hard journey that we are all traveling, and being the steady anchor our kids need and that they feel able to return to, again and again.

If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that parenting is a constant work in progress. Co-regulation Parenting—allowing our kids to ‘borrow’ our calm—reminds me that I don’t have to have all the answers. I simply have to be there, steady enough in those uncertain moments for them to find their footing again.

If this post spoke to you, let’s keep the conversation going. 

I’d love to hear from you at info@pbpcounselling.ca,

or feel free to take a look at my website: pbpcounselling.ca

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